Underpants, Chocobos, Magic and Robots!
by Quistis88 and Quis
Summary: In which Cid has a bad day, Laguna's weirdness is figured out, and the Trepies run amuck. Another insane fic brought to you by Quistis88 and Quis.


Quis:

One morning in Centra, on the clothesline, was a pair of bright pinky-orange bloomers.

Quistis88:

"Cid, honey!"  Edea called from beside the kitchen window of the renovated orphanage, where she caught a glimpse of the garment.  "Your underpants are done!"

Quis:

Cid, meandering out to the kitchen, and half-asleep in frog pyjamas, stared at the monstrosity of the orangey-pink bloomers. "Edea, love, are they mine? They look more like yours," he said, rubbing his eyes and expecting them to turn back into a pair of woolly ones that he loved so much.

Quistis88:

"Of course they're yours!"  Edea said as he came and hugged her from behind.  "You just don't recognize them because they've faded in the wash.  And Cid, dear, where have your glasses gone?"

Quis:

Cid felt for his glasses. Shoot! They were back at Garden. Where he'd been the day before. "Dear, I think they're at Garden," he said with a chuckle.

Quistis88:

Edea shook her head in a loving way.  "Oh, you!  Just be careful and don't knock over everything you see.  Well . . . everything you DON'T see."

Quis:

Just then, the telephone rang, and Edea answered it. "Yes, I see...Poor you, Squall...yes, I'll pass that on to Cid," she hung up. 

"Cid, that was Squall...Rinoa has meningitis, and so does he...You're going to have to go to work today,"

Quistis88:

Cid looked disappointed.  "And I thought we were going to have a day all to ourselves.  I haven't had any time for you these days, Edea."  He gave her a small kiss and she hugged him in return.

"It'll be all right.  I could come with you if you want me to."

"I think you'll have to.  Without my glasses, I don't even know how I'm supposed to get to Garden.  And how AM I going to get to Garden!?"

Cid panicked, but Edea had an idea.  "I've got some Gyashl greens in the cupboard.  We'll take Chocobos."

Quis:

Turning to the cupboard, the ex-sorceress pulled out what appeared to be two saddles and two bridles. She then pulled out a small, Hessian bag, and exited the kitchen, dragging Cid, in his frog pyjamas, out the door.

Quistis88:

As Cid walked out the door, he saw his underpants on the clothesline again.  Snatching it, he folded it up and put it into a pocket of his pyjamas.  "Uh, Edea, love . . . shouldn't I change out of these first?"

"Oh, the Chocobos won't mind, dear.  Besides, you've a change of clothes at Garden."

Quis:

Cid stammered. He, in all the twenty-five years of marriage, was always being out-reasoned by his wife. Taking the gyashi greens, he stood outside the Chocobo Forest, absolutely terrified of a stampede of Chocobos.

Quistis88:

Cid was disappointed in himself for thinking such pessimistic thoughts.  But as you all know, pessimists are never disappointed.  No sooner had he had the thought, a herd of Chocobos came prancing at the couple at top speed. 

Cid pulled his wife aside and shielded her from the dirt flying all over the place from the Chocobo tracks.  After they had gone, they both breathed a sigh of relief.  But . . . Cid's pyjamas were now caked with mud.  And Cid hated being dirty.

Quis:

Cid let out a bellowed oath. "BUGGER!" he swore, as he tried futilely to wipe the mud from his pyjamas. Edea sighed. Now they'd have to go and *ask* the annoying kid for two Chocobos. 

Edea, being the fearless leader that she was, smiled, clicked her fingers, and went inside the forest.

Quistis88:

The Chocobo kid greeted them happily upon entry.  "Hiya!  You want a Chocobo or WHAT!?"

Cid groaned.  He was glad that Squall and his other children weren't obnoxious like . . . this kid.

Edea smiled at the boy.  "Yes, please.  One for each of us will do."

"Sure thing, lady.  Pay up."

" . . . pay?"

"Chocobo feed needs Gil, too, ya know."

Quis:

"Charge it to Balamb Garden," Cid said, laughing. "We don't carry gil with us, you see"

"I'm sorry...Garden?"

Quistis88:

"You know . . . Balamb Garden.  It's ONLY the best military academy around."  Cid boasted.

"Hey!"  Chocobo kid frowned.  "I remember now!  That's where that guy with the many belts was from!"

"Many belts?"  Cid was perplexed.

"He means Squall, dear," Edea explained.

"So that's his name!"  Chocobo kid rubbed his chin.  "I didn't like him.  He kicked me."

Quis:

Edea was silent. 'I'll need to talk to Squall about his behaviour,' she thought, before smiling warmly at the kid, staring into his eyes. Suddenly, the kid smiled. 

"Sure,  take the Chocobos," he said, as he led them to two. Edea smirked, but the smirk was unseen by the kid.

Quistis88:

Mounting onto their Chocobos (hand-picked by Edea, since she didn't trust the kid), they headed for Garden at a gallop, admiring the wonderful view and weather.  Suddenly . . .

Quis:

The Chocobos baulked. At the edge of the clearing, stood a red-faced Laguna Loire, flanked by Kiros and Ward, equally embarrassed. Edea pulled her mount to a stop, slid off, and walked over to where Laguna, Kiros and Ward stood.

"What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?" she asked.

Quistis88:

"It was his fault," Kiros answered.

"W-what did I do now!?"  Laguna cried.

"If you hadn't suggested that we go on a archaeological dig 'just for the fun of it', we wouldn't be here.  If you hadn't brought the wrong map AGAIN, we wouldn't be lost."

Quis:

Kiros was, quite frankly, fed up. Throwing his hands up in disgust, he muttered something about going to Timber, where his girlfriend lived. Edea, whose hearing was quite good, heard it and smiled. "Join me, Kiros, leave Laguna and Ward to their own devices," she said to him, pulling him aside so she could speak with him in private.

Quistis88:

"You wanted to speak with me, Mrs. Kramer?"  Kiros said politely.

"Yes.  You've been quite annoyed lately, I've seen.  Would you like my husband and I to take Mr. Loire off your hands for a while?  It will be like a vacation, I'm sure."

Quis:

Kiros smiled in relief. Now he could visit the girlfriend and his son, no problemo. "That sounds like a good plan, thank you, Mrs Kramer....One question, where would you take him? I don't think he'd suit Garden."

Quistis88:

"Well, he can stay with us at Garden until we find a more . . . appropriate place for him.  And furthermore, he hasn't seen Squall in ages, so maybe he might like to stay with him for a while."

"Thank you, Mrs. Kramer.  I don't know what Ward and I would do without you."  He turned to Laguna.  "Laguna, we have a change of plans.  You're going to Garden with this fine couple here."

"Oh, boy!"

Quis:

Laguna had an acquired brain injury, which made him seem like a kid at times. Kiros and Ward, ever since Raine had died, had been his carers. Hyne only knew how he'd managed to become the President of Esthar when he was so hopeless. 

Shrugging, Kiros and Ward left Laguna to Edea and Cid's devices, and hurried to catch the next available trains to their own destinations. For Ward, it was to see a doc.

Quistis88:

"Would you like to ride with me or Cid, Laguna?  Unfortunately, we only have 2 Chocobos."  Edea asked him.

"Oh, what the heck!  I'll ride with the ol' man!"

"Who are you calling old?"  Cid said, humorously offended. 

Laguna mounted the Chocobo that Cid was still sitting on.  The Chocobo gasped from the weight of 2 grown men on its back.

Quis:

Would it be possible for Cid to be even further annoyed than what he was. For one thing, sharing a Chocobo with a man who had an acquired brain injury was annoying, the other thing, he'd left his glasses at Garden, and thus, couldn't see straight, he'd had his favourite pyjamas muddied, and his underpants were now dyed a pinky orange colour. This was not shaping up to be a good day for Cid Kramer.

Quistis88:

"Uh, Mr. Cid, sir?"  Laguna tapped him on the shoulder from behind him, where he sat.

"It's just Cid, please."

"Yes, Cid . . . umm, you're steering the Chocobo, right?"

"Of course I am!"

"Then . . . why is it running towards that lake up ahead?"

Quis:

Cid swore, and yanked the reigns of the Chocobo. He slid off. "Do you want to steer it?" he asked Laguna, who nodded.

Quistis88:

Ecstatic that he'd get to steer something (Kiros never let him), Laguna snapped the reins a little too happily, and ZOOM!, off went Laguna and the Chocobo.

With Cid on the ground.

Quis:

Edea smiled, and held a hand out to Cid. Slowly lumbering along on her Chocobo, she'd seen the entire thing. With a laugh, she kicked the bird  gently, and soon they were chasing after Laguna and the runaway mount.

Quistis88:

"Are you all right, dear?"  Edea asked.

"Yes, yes . . . I just hope Laguna will be."

"He'll be fine.  He's gotten out of messes by himself before.  I'm sure he can handle a Chocobo."  Suddenly, they heard a scream.

Quis:

Laguna was sprawled on the ground, an angry Chocobo standing above him. Terrified and frightened of the bird, Laguna was screaming. "RAINE! RAINE! HELP ME!"

Quistis88:

"Look at that boy!" Cid exclaimed.  "Hallucinating and all!"  He saw Raine walking towards Laguna.  "I think I am, too . . ."

"Coming, Laguna," Raine said as she plopped down beside him.

Quis:

Laguna smiled up at Raine. Edea and Cid looked on, perplexed. "Um, excuse me, dear?" Edea said, placing a gentle hand on Raine's shoulder, "Do you want any assistance?"

Quistis88:

"I'll be fine, thank you," Raine said.  "If I can carry Rinoa into a church on her wedding day, I can take care of this big guy here."

Quis:

Edea smiled. So THAT's who it was. And now, the poor darling Rinoa was suffering meningitis, and she was pregnant. "I do hope you realise your daughter-in-law is ill....Squall called us this morning," Edea said quietly.

Quistis88:

"Ill!?"  Raine gasped, horrified.  "Oh, no, did you hear that, Laguna!?"

Laguna rubbed his head and looked around.  " . . . what?"

Quis:

"She's got meningitis," Edea explained, and Raine went pale.

"Meningitis?" Raine repeated, "And where is she right now? I've *got* to go take care of her, the poor darling," Raine said, gathering Laguna up in her arms and putting him on the Chocobo, before mounting it herself.

Quistis88:

Edea turned to Cid, who hadn't spoken a word.  "You see, dear?  Hyne has Her ways.  We do get time to ourselves after all!"

Quis:

Cid stammered. "But---I need to be there in Garden this morning!" he said, now about to burst into tears. "My glasses are there!"

Quistis88:

"Don't worry, we'll get there.  Eventually."  She helped him up and then got on.

[2 hours later; Balamb Garden; Cid's office; frantic Cid]

"Edea, have you seen my spare change of clothes?"

Quis:

"Cid, dear, they're in here," Edea said, her voice coming from a rather large dresser that was sitting on the ground. She tossed his clothes to him, as well as---his underpants.

Quistis88:

Cid sighed happily at the sight of his underpants.  "And after all that, they're STILL clean!  It's a miracle!"

Quis:

Edea smiled. "Now that you're dressed, dear...you might want to come and see this," she said, as she held up what seemed to be a...porno mag?

Quistis88:

"What's that?"  Cid stepped closer and peered at it then quickly looked away.  "Great Hyne above!"

"Explain yourself, Cid!"  Edea was obviously angry.

"It's not mine!  It must be . . . Irvine's!  We should return it to him."

"Return!?  Cid, dear, this should be confiscated!"  

Quis:

Cid's ears went pink. "Oh well, if you say so, dear," he said. 

Meanwhile....

Quistis88:

Irvine was frantically searching for last week's issue of "Girl Next Door", and was having no luck.  "Dang it all to the island closest to hell.  Where did I put it!?"

Quis:

Selphie's voice could be heard, it's soprano tones ringing out in sugary-sweet notes. "I don't know, dear," she said, putting the sarcasm on 'dear',  "Could you have left it where we last...you know," she smiled.

Quistis88:

"The Headmaster's office!  SHOOT!"  Irvine grabbed Selphie's hand and ran all the way to the elevator, where Edea and Cid were just stepping out.

Quis:

Edea smiled at Irvine. Irvine smiled back. Edea's eyes were icy, and Irvine knew that she had found the blasted magazine. "Hello, dear," Edea said, in a false sweetness.

Quistis88:

"Good afternoon, Matron," he flashed a charming grin.  Pornographic material of any sort on Garden grounds was forbidden, and Irvine would only hope that the worse that can happen is a month of detention.

"Broken any . . . RULES lately, Irvine dear?"

"Uh . . . heh heh . . . "

Quis:

Edea's lips disappeared into a thin line. "I believe that you and I need to talk," she said, looping an arm through his, and leading him up to the steps to the Disciplinary rooms were. "You do realise why you're here, right Irvine?"

Quistis88:

Busted, he thought.  "Yes, Matron."  Oh, how he hated the Disciplinary Room.  Especially now that Seifer was back.

"Hello, Matron," Seifer greeted as they entered.  "Hello to you, too, cowboy.  What'd you do now?"

"I indirectly caught Irvine with pornographic material!  I'm so disappointed!"

"Porn, eh?"  He turned to Irvine and growled.  "They better not be pictures of Quistis."

"No . . . "

Quis:

"Good," Seifer said, as he opened the mag to reveal pictures of none other than Quistis Trepe (soon to be Quistis Almasy), in the shower. Seifer went livid. "YOU BLOODY BASTARD!" he shouted at Irvine, and Edea felt the need to intervene.

Quistis88:

"Seifer, watch your language!"  Edea watched as Seifer chase Irvine around the room, jumping over desks and chairs.

"I'll KILL you, Kinneas, if it's the last thing I DO!!!"

"Seifer, man, I'm SORRY!"

Edea had had enough.  "Blizzaga!" she cried.

Quis:

The two boys were frozen to the ground where they stood....Or rather, Irvine was. Seifer's Auto-Reflect had bounded off, and hit the unsuspecting Quistis, who had come to see what the commotion was about. His anger turned to astonishment.

Quistis88:

Quistis looked so beautiful encased in ice, Seifer just wanted to keep her there forever.  But then again, if she was in there and he was out here . . . well, they couldn't do certain things that Seifer was so fond of doing.

"Camera, camera . . . where's my camera?"  He muttered and strolled out of the room, leaving Edea with her frozen children.  Just then, Cid walked in.

Quis:

The astonished look on Cid's face could only be mirrored by Edea's equally astonished look. "Dear, what's the meaning of this?" he asked, as Edea struggled for words to describe the situation.

Quistis88:

"Well . . . Seifer was upset at Irvine, so I stopped them."

Cid stared at the figures.  He looked at Quistis  " . . . how . . . ?"

"Magic, dear."

"No, I mean . . . if it's just Irvine and Seifer, why is Quistis here?"

"You could say she was somewhat involved . . ."  Just then, Seifer came back with his camera.

Quis:

Cid placed his head in his hands. Of all the things.... Seifer with a camera...As such, the flash went off, capturing Quistis enclosed in the ice, and an outraged Irvine, also captured in the ice. With a charming grin at Edea, Seifer cast fire on Quistis's ice, melting it, and bringing Quistis into his arms.

Quistis88:

Quistis looked around from where she stood in Seifer's arms.  "Headmaster, Matron . . . Seifer, what's going on here?  And why am I all wet?"

"I'll explain later, sweets."  Seifer kissed her forehead.

Quis:

With that, Seifer led Quistis out of the room, with instructions to return soon with chocolates. Then, he returned to the Disciplinary rooms, and started to interrogate the unfortunate Irvine (who was STILL encased in ice)

Quistis88:

Seifer began.  "Now, I'm gonna ask you a few questions, cowboy.  If you don't answer, I'll take it as a yes."

Irvine seemed to hear him, but could not speak, his eyes wide with terror.

Quis:

"What were you doing with a magazine, more specifically, a forbidden magazine within Garden?"

Quistis88:

Seifer pressed his ear to the ice.  Despite the cold, he could make out some muffled words.

"A bite bug put it in your room?  You lie!"  Seifer kicked the ice cube.  "Nice try."

Quis:

"Ok, next question," Seifer said, "How were you able to get into the high-ranking-SeeD bathrooms to photograph Quistis? I'm sure one of those pesky female--TREPIES were able to help you out, weren't they, Kinneas?" he spat the word 'Trepie' out with venom.

Quistis88:

Sounds came from Irvine's mouth.

"Wh --- did you say Nida?"

More sounds came from his mouth.  Seifer, by that time, was wondering whether he should thaw him or not.  Although this was entertaining, it was also frustrating.  Besides, he wanted to get his facts straight before he went on a murdering rampage.

Quis:

Edea placed a hand on Seifer's arm. "From what I can gather, dear, it seems like Nida was indeed the one who took the photographs...You know what to do, don't you?"

Quistis88:

"Certainly, Matron.  Hyperion and I are going to have a little FRIENDLY chat with him."  Seifer stormed out of the room.

Quis:

Edea smiled, snickering at the thought of Nida getting a friendly chat from Seifer...However, she was clever. She'd feared something like this would happen, and had arranged for a dummy, not unlike the one Rinoa had made. This was the ultimate in safety.... A fake Nida.

Quistis88:

Meanwhile, Seifer caught up to Nida in a nearby hallway.  "Nida" was sitting on a bench, staring at nothing in particular.

"You!"  Seifer shouted.  Nida ignored him.  "You've been taking pictures of my Quistis, haven't you!?  I hope you were aware of the consequences of your actions."  He grabbed Nida by the collar.

" . . . what?"

Quis:

Seifer felt something was kinda strange. A...ring-pull in his collar? What was the meaning of this. Not wanting to further waste time with pointless interrogation, he brought out Hyperion. "You see this, Nida?"

Quistis88:

"Yes," he answered.

"It's gonna slit your stupid throat if you don't stay away from my Quistis."

" . . . what?"

"You heard me!  Now will you stay away, or will I have to force you!?"

"Yes."

"Stop confusing me!!!"

Quis:

Seifer was beyond the brink of sanity. His eyes narrowed in disgust, and he limited. "DEMON SLICE!" he shouted, as he twirled around the fake Nida, slicing it up with reckless abandon.

Quistis88:

Expecting to be showered with blood (so he can go show off to Quistis later), he was shocked to find wires sticking out of Nida's arm.

Quis:

With a poke of the wires, Seifer turned to see the calm, smiling face of Edea. "Matron," he growled.

Quistis88:

"I'm sorry, dear."  Edea said with a sad smile.  "But your jealousy would've killed him.  Think of what poor Quistis would do if you ever went to jail."

Seifer slowly put his gunblade down and stared at the electronic pile of rubble, realizing that Matron was right.  He'd never leave Quistis, and if he did, who was going to protect her from the perverts at Garden?

And Hyne knew that there were a LOT of perverts at Garden.

Quis:

Sighing, and somewhat defeated, Seifer followed Edea back down the hallway to where Irvine, Quistis, Selphie, Squall, Rinoa, Laguna and Raine stood. He was surprised.

Quistis88:

"What are you all doing here?" he growled.

Rinoa spoke up.  "Well, Seifer, we --- "

"Oh, no, you don't!  Don't come near me, you're still sick!"  Seifer hopped behind Quistis.

Quis:

Raine smiled, turning to Seifer. "We heard what had happened, and we wish to help you, Seifer," Raine began, as she began fussing over him like a mother hen.

Quistis88:

"Whoa, whoa, hold it."  Seifer put up a hand.  "You're that ghost lady, aren't you?"

"Does it matter?"

"I suppose not.  If you guys really wanna help me, then just go kill off all the Trepies.  And Nida's camera."

Quis:

Squall sighed. "If you insist, Seifer," he said.

Quistis88:

Quistis put her arms around Seifer, who hugged her back.  "Seifer, you never did tell me what was going on."

"Irvine and his porn . . . it had pictures of you in it.  You in the shower."

"That's outrageous!"

"Not as outrageous as what I found in Irvine's closet the other day."

"What'd you find?"

"The headmaster's underpants."

Quis:

Quistis laughed, placing her head on Seifer's shoulder and together, they walked off, laughing.

Quistis88:

Cid was overjoyed.  "He found a pair of my underpants!?  My favourite gray pair!?  Oh, thank Hyne!!!"  Cid ran off to Irvine's room, and was not seen by anyone in Garden for the rest of the day.

The end.


End file.
